Thursday, November 25, 2004
Going crazy
I'm driving my friends mad, even patient Lydia has labelled me fickle-minded in exasperation. But i can't help it. Running, basketball, badminton, soccer, touch rugby, i used to play these games when i was in TK, it was so fun. Now i don't even touch a ball. How can you play such sports alone?? Everyone's too tired to play, or mugging away, or don't like to pespire, or don't like the sun. Why is everyone so feminine nowadays??? Why?? Playing such games constitute being a male??? Is that true? I wanna continue playing these sports, because i like them, but i don't want to play competitively. Wait a minute, what am i talking about? No one is free to play with me anyway.
Competitively means that there is a constant pressure to be better than the rest, the constant expectation that you must win, and the disappointment that comes along with it when you don't, regardless whether you did your best or not. Face it. If you don't win even though you played your heart out, you will still feel miserable, and worse, you won't even cut the team or you drag the team down and everyone is unhappy with you. Now understand why i keep changing my mind over my CCAs? Because all these CCAs are competitive. I want CCAs that provide intensive training that is comparable to competitive, but they are social sports, so there is no must to win, no disappointment to contend with. Alas, i don't see that anywhere. CCAs with no need to win, the trainings are so slack, it is maddening. And those with intense training which i relish, the pressure is on. From the coach, from your friends.
Don't anyone get it??? I can't learn if you push me!! I will push myself, i don't need you to interfere! When i am stressed, i fumble. And when i fumble, i think i am lousy. And when i think i am lousy, i really give everyone the impression that i am when i am not!!!!! This generates a fear in me, a huge reluctance to try, because i am afraid i will fail and i don't want to contend with the disappointment from you, even though you claim you are not. I still think you are disappointed and i have let you down, and then, there comes the guilt. I know i can do it. It's the fear generated from these pressure, and the lack of courage to face the onslaught from everyone when i missed that shot, or fail to block the attack. But a team is not like that. A team is when everyone works together, and no mistake is singular. A team encourages, motivates and helps one another. You are not chided for your mistake, instead you sit down, you analyse the mistake, learn from it and don't repeat it. No black faces from anyone, no glares from team mates. Isn't that the way it should be? Or am i too idealistic again? Or i have such feelings because i have been so down on my luck that i have never been in a team that is truely a team? Is it just in Singapore or does this exist everywhere?
Is there a team out there who's willing to not just look at winning, but at the effort the team mates put in?
Competitively means that there is a constant pressure to be better than the rest, the constant expectation that you must win, and the disappointment that comes along with it when you don't, regardless whether you did your best or not. Face it. If you don't win even though you played your heart out, you will still feel miserable, and worse, you won't even cut the team or you drag the team down and everyone is unhappy with you. Now understand why i keep changing my mind over my CCAs? Because all these CCAs are competitive. I want CCAs that provide intensive training that is comparable to competitive, but they are social sports, so there is no must to win, no disappointment to contend with. Alas, i don't see that anywhere. CCAs with no need to win, the trainings are so slack, it is maddening. And those with intense training which i relish, the pressure is on. From the coach, from your friends.
Don't anyone get it??? I can't learn if you push me!! I will push myself, i don't need you to interfere! When i am stressed, i fumble. And when i fumble, i think i am lousy. And when i think i am lousy, i really give everyone the impression that i am when i am not!!!!! This generates a fear in me, a huge reluctance to try, because i am afraid i will fail and i don't want to contend with the disappointment from you, even though you claim you are not. I still think you are disappointed and i have let you down, and then, there comes the guilt. I know i can do it. It's the fear generated from these pressure, and the lack of courage to face the onslaught from everyone when i missed that shot, or fail to block the attack. But a team is not like that. A team is when everyone works together, and no mistake is singular. A team encourages, motivates and helps one another. You are not chided for your mistake, instead you sit down, you analyse the mistake, learn from it and don't repeat it. No black faces from anyone, no glares from team mates. Isn't that the way it should be? Or am i too idealistic again? Or i have such feelings because i have been so down on my luck that i have never been in a team that is truely a team? Is it just in Singapore or does this exist everywhere?
Is there a team out there who's willing to not just look at winning, but at the effort the team mates put in?
// posted by Knight Of The Rose @ 2:27 AM 
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